Chapter 10 - I Had Made Being Needed Part of My Identity
My therapist asked me:
“Why did you let this continue?”
I answered:
“Family.”
She waited.
Therapists are irritating like that.
I found:
three messages.
First, when Jenna moved into the cottage:
Me: Stay as long as you need. This is what family is for.
No deadline.
Clue one.
Second, after Mom apologized for using the cottage without asking:
Me: Seriously, stop asking. If it’s open, use it. It’s basically the family beach place anyway.
There.
Clue two.
Third, an email to my accountant after another $18,000 transfer helping Jenna cover business taxes.
I know this isn’t rational, but I’m the one person in the family who can absorb these things without changing my life.
Clue three.
I had constructed an identity:
Daryl absorbs it.
Dad’s business issue?
Daryl helps.
Mom’s medical deductible?
Daryl handles.
Jenna’s divorce deposit?
Daryl.
Family holiday?
My cottage.
I complained privately.
Then enjoyed being:
indispensable.
That was hard to admit.
There was another layer.
My divorce had embarrassed:
me.
Not publicly.
Internally.
I had spent years being:
the responsible son.
Stable marriage.
Successful career.
Good father.
Then one important part of my life failed.
After Lauren and I separated, I increased:
family spending.
Paid for Mom and Dad’s anniversary trip.
Let Jenna stay free.
Bought the cottage.
Hosted everyone.
Being generous allowed me to remain:
Daryl who has everything handled.
My family rewarded that version.
So did I.
Then resentment grew whenever anyone accepted the very access I kept offering.
That was unfair.
Not as unfair as Jenna breaking Eli’s property.
Not equal to:
the slap.
But real.
I had expected everyone to distinguish:
generosity
from:
ownership
while refusing to define where one ended.
I told my therapist:
“I should have said no earlier.”
“Yes.”
“Would that have stopped Jenna from becoming entitled?”
“Maybe.”
Then:
“But your sister remains responsible for how she responds to boundaries.”
Both.
May you like
Always both.
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