Chapter 10 - I Had Been Buying My Place in the Family Too
My therapist had been telling me this for almost a year.
I refused to understand until after Thanksgiving.
Her name was Dr. Alison Grant.
She asked:
“Why do you pay so much?”
“Because I can.”
“Not what I asked.”
“Because Mom needs help.”
“Does she?”
“Sometimes.”
“Why else?”
I became annoyed.
Then she pulled up something I had said months earlier.
After a fight with Diane, I told Alison:
“If I stop helping, I’m basically the daughter who moved away and doesn’t show up.”
There.
Clue one.
Then I remembered an email I sent Diane two years earlier after she complained that I missed Easter because of work.
I know I’m not around as much as Rebecca. Please use my card for Easter dinner and whatever the girls need. I don’t want you feeling like you’re carrying the family alone.
Whatever the girls need.
Clue two.
Another text after Diane said:
“You always have money but never time.”
I responded:
Then let me help with what I do have.
Clue three.
That was the structure.
Money became my substitute for:
presence,
patience,
guilt,
conflict.
I told myself Diane turned my income into family property.
She did.
But I had repeatedly offered money as proof:
I still belong.
I care.
I am a good daughter.
That mattered because every time Diane treated me badly, I still sent:
something.
After she criticized my divorce?
I paid her dental bill.
After she insulted my work schedule?
I covered Christmas.
After she told Rebecca I was selfish?
I bought both nieces camp tuition.
What lesson did that create?
Claire may be angry.
Claire still pays.
I wanted gratitude without setting:
terms.
I wanted closeness without investing:
time.
I wanted to help without confronting whether the help was healthy.
And because I earned enough, I could keep the system running long after it stopped working emotionally.
That was mine.
It did not make the slap my fault.
It did not make sleeping on the floor acceptable.
It did mean healing could not simply be:
turn off the money and declare everyone greedy.
May you like
I had to stop using money as my preferred language of love.
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