Chapter 8 - Richard Had Prepared for Me to Reject the Baby
The parenting plan was not filed anywhere.
It was a private draft prepared by Richard’s family-law attorney at his request.
The attorney had no idea the surrogacy consent was disputed.
Richard told him:
“My wife may have difficulty accepting the baby because of unresolved miscarriage trauma.”
That was true only in the broadest possible sense.
Then:
“If she cannot bond, I need to be prepared to parent alone.”
Reasonable question if the pregnancy had been consensual.
It wasn’t.
The draft proposed Richard as primary parent, with me offered gradual therapeutic contact if I later chose to participate.
Reading it was disorienting.
Richard had created the pregnancy without my permission.
Then prepared to describe any anger I felt about that violation as evidence that I was too damaged to mother the resulting child.
I asked him directly:
“Did you expect me to reject the baby?”
“No.”
“Then why prepare this?”
“Because I had to plan for every outcome.”
“You planned every outcome except respecting my decision before transfer.”
He stopped talking.
Then my attorney found another consultation.
Two months before Emma’s transfer, Richard spoke with a psychiatrist who specialized in reproductive grief.
Not to have me evaluated.
To ask a hypothetical.
Could severe grief following pregnancy loss impair decision-making?
The psychiatrist answered:
temporarily, sometimes.
Then added:
That does not mean a grieving patient lacks legal capacity. Capacity must be individually assessed.
Richard asked whether a spouse could make fertility decisions during a period of severe emotional distress.
The psychiatrist wrote:
Not absent proper legal authority and a finding of incapacity. Grief alone is not enough.
Again, Richard had searched for a lawful route.
Again, professionals told him:
no.
Again, he proceeded differently.
That pattern mattered more than any single lie.
Then I learned why he was so afraid I would destroy the remaining embryos.
After I withdrew consent, I had asked my own reproductive lawyer about disposition options.
Keep frozen.
Donate to research if both genetic contributors agreed.
Discard if both agreed.
Continue storage.
I had made no final choice.
Richard somehow found my consultation summary inside our shared printer tray.
It included the phrase:
Diane is considering whether continued storage prolongs grief.
Richard panicked.
He told his therapist:
“She is going to destroy my children.”
The embryos were potential future children to:
him.
To me, at the time, they were embryos stored because I could not decide.
Neither view gave one spouse unilateral authority.
But emotionally, Richard believed he was rescuing:
them.
Then he found Emma.
Then he began telling himself the transfer was not reproductive coercion.
It was preservation.
He said during mediation:
“If I waited, you would’ve made a permanent decision during the worst period of your life.”
My attorney answered:
“You made a permanent decision during the worst period of her life.”
Silence.
Then Emma’s lawyer brought up the practical issue nobody could avoid.
The pregnancy was now approaching twenty-five weeks.
Emma intended to continue it.
That was her choice.
She had entered surrogacy intentionally, and despite the deception around intended-parent consent, she did not want her pregnancy reduced to a litigation problem.
She asked for a revised interim agreement covering:
medical autonomy,
expenses,
insurance,
delivery planning,
psychological support,
and no unscheduled contact from Richard or me.
We agreed.
Richard resisted one clause.
It prohibited either intended parent from attending medical appointments without Emma’s express invitation.
He said:
“That’s my child.”
Emma’s attorney answered:
“That is her medical appointment.”
Richard eventually agreed.
I noticed something.
He had violated my consent because he believed parenthood gave him moral permission.
Now he was starting to speak as though genetic fatherhood gave him authority over Emma too.
The problem was larger than surrogacy.
Richard believed love justified control when the stakes felt high enough.
Then Emma made one final request.
She wanted to know whether the embryo transfer records confirmed the fetus was genetically related to both Richard and me.
The embryology records did.
The transferred embryo was one of our two remaining embryos.
Which meant one other embryo was still frozen.
Richard immediately asked the clinic to prevent me from making any disposition decision about it.
I did the same against:
him.
The marriage was now headed toward divorce.
May you like
And one embryo remained in storage between two people who no longer trusted each other to decide anything alone.
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