Chapter 3 - Carla Believed Children Needed to Fear Consequences
Our childhood explains Carla.
It does not excuse her.
Our father, Dennis, was rigid.
Former Marine.
Then manufacturing supervisor.
He believed children needed:
clear rules,
immediate consequences,
respect for adults.
He was not routinely violent.
But he used:
spanking,
hard grabs by the arm,
public humiliation,
hours-long punishments.
Our mother, Ellen, softened things afterward.
Carla admired Dad.
I feared him.
Those differences became:
our adult personalities.
Carla believed Dad made her:
strong.
I believed Mom helped us survive:
him.
When Lily was little, Carla would say:
“You baby her.”
I answered:
“She’s four.”
“At four, we knew not to talk back.”
“Yes.”
“Because Dad would’ve killed us.”
We both laughed.
Bad habit.
Family jokes often keep old harm from being examined.
Carla thought:
fear produces respect.
I thought:
fear produces lying.
As Lily got older, those philosophies collided more often.
If Lily refused vegetables, Carla wanted:
no dessert.
Fine.
If Lily talked back, Carla wanted:
immediate punishment.
Also reasonable within limits.
Then limits began shifting.
One evening when Lily was six, I arrived at Carla’s house and found her standing:
nose toward the wall.
Hands behind her back.
I laughed initially.
“What is this?”
Carla said:
“She lied about finishing homework.”
“How long has she been there?”
“Twenty-five minutes.”
I frowned.
“That’s enough.”
Carla said:
“She needs to understand.”
I brought Lily home.
We argued later.
Carla called me:
soft.
I called her:
dramatic.
Then I asked her to babysit:
the next week.
That mattered.
If I truly believed her discipline was unacceptable, why did I continue?
Because I told myself:
different style.
And because I needed:
May you like
her.
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