Chapter 13 - Vanessa’s First Apology Failed Because She Still Wanted Emma to Be the Problem
Vanessa texted:
Sorry I slapped you.
Then:
But Emma cannot be allowed to run your life.
I did not respond.
Three weeks later:
I’m sorry things got crazy.
No.
A month later she requested:
family therapy.
I almost refused.
Then agreed without:
Emma.
Adults first.
The therapist asked Vanessa:
“Why did you break the breakfast plate arrangement?”
Vanessa corrected:
“I didn’t break a plate.”
Important to her.
Fine.
“Why did you slam the pan beside Emma?”
Vanessa answered:
“She grabbed Lily’s food after I told her not to.”
The therapist waited.
“And?”
“She never listens.”
“She is four.”
“She knows rules.”
“Did you intend to frighten her?”
Silence.
Then:
“Yes.”
There.
Better.
“Why?”
“So she would stop.”
“What did you want her to believe would happen if she didn’t?”
Vanessa’s face changed.
She had never asked herself.
Finally:
“That I was serious.”
The therapist asked:
“Serious enough to do what?”
Vanessa looked down.
“I don’t know.”
That uncertainty frightened:
her.
Good.
Not because shame is healing.
Because she finally understood she had used the implication of:
greater violence
without defining it even to herself.
Then came the deeper piece.
Vanessa resented:
Emma.
Why?
Because Emma received what Vanessa felt Lily never had.
Patience.
Accommodation.
Adults adjusting expectations.
Vanessa said:
“Lily had tantrums too.”
“I didn’t let her run everything.”
Then:
“Sometimes I watch Rachel stop an entire dinner because Emma’s upset and think, must be nice.”
The therapist asked:
“Nice for whom?”
Vanessa cried.
“For the kid.”
There.
Her cruelty toward Emma contained an old grievance against:
our mother.
Vanessa had been the firstborn.
Expected to:
behave,
help,
set the example.
I was the emotional younger sister.
Mom often told Vanessa:
“You’re older.”
“Be mature.”
“Let Rachel have it.”
The birth-order advantage I thought Vanessa had?
She experienced parts of it as:
burden.
Now she saw Rachel give Emma the softness Vanessa remembered wanting.
Instead of naming:
envy,
she called the softness:
bad parenting.
Understanding explained:
something.
Excused:
May you like
nothing.
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